First major disappointment

Recall 3 experiences in which you’ve experienced a certain “death” or “life interruption” through any kind of loss (small or great) that shook and changed your world for you. Start with the most recent one and go back in time. Try to recall your very first Loss of Innocence or first major Disappointment.

I think my first “life interruption” would have to be when my mom would get mad at me for doing something wrong and completely stop talking to me and would ignore me.  It made me feel like I was only worthy of love when I was being good.  I couldn’t make mistakes or do anything wrong, and of course growing up I made many mistakes.

It has affected me all my life.  I have constantly striven to make my mom proud of who I am, but I will probably never hear it.  I remember going through this arduous program in high school, much tougher than AP.  Toward the end you have to take these specialized tests and you get graded with points from 1 to 7, with 7 being the best.  You had to get 24 points and an average of a 4 in each class to be able to get the certificate and the medallion.  Now I don’t remember which one afforded which.  I managed to get 24 points but I didn’t get a 4 in one of my upper level classes, so I didn’t get both.  I was completely heartbroken and all my mom said was “I knew you couldn’t do it.”

When I was much younger, I accidentally knocked over a vase and broke it.  I immediately went to my mom to let her know what I did and when she came to clean it up she yelled at me and said I intentionally did that because it was one of her vases.  No wonder I started lying at a young age.

She has her own damage that she never got help for.  I’m sad that it makes my relationship with her more superficial, but I am slowly coming to terms with how things are.

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